So.. last night my sister got all pissed off about this caroanvirus thing and was mostly pissed that she was unable to buy any Corona beer at the local market because they've stopped selling it because of the name.

So she gets all pissed off and drives over a thousand miles to Tijuana, Mexico in an all out rage... God only knows why she didn't just drive up a few miles to Canada where restrictions are a little more relaxed.

So she went down there, and called me from a Mexican jail to come pick her up. I'm gonna have to get a Paychex loan at 24 percent, but I'm sure she'll pay me back. I do loves my sister!

Anyways. She kicked some Mexican ass in jail and is on her way home. I think we're gonna smuggle a few thousand M95 masks and surgical gowns for the nurses in her local area. Thanks. Sis! See you soon!!! Love yoy!!!

Coming Home From Texas

This morning, me and my sister were driving back home from Texas. We were there visiting our friend who has found a like-minded gay transsexual Elvis impersonator who makes a great chocolate martini and cooks up an incredible Rago Rava Idli breakfast burrito that is to die for! We had a great time... We stopped in Houstonia to visit my friend David who manages a really great bar and food truck stop where all the Astros hang out and visiting team players always stop by... Great place! The Truck Yard! Don't miss it if you're in the area...

So... What happened? I'll tell you what happened... It all started when we left Houstonia. I'd already drove a thousand miles in 20 hours and was toast... We left Houstonia at around 6:30 AM yesterday morning. After driving a few country miles I got the clue that I was in no condition to drive any further... I was three sheets to the wind and I could smell the alcohol on my breath... Bad sign. So I pulled over and gave my sister the keys and told her to drive... She was all like "No way, bro! I ain't driving nowhere!!!" I should have taken her at her word... I handed her a Five-Hour E=MC Squared Energy and stuffed her in the driver's seat... I should have known better when I noticed she was squinting to see through her blind left eye... My bad...

So, she drove... My sister... She drove and she drove, and after about five minutes, I fell asleep. Many good dreams and bad nightmares ensued.  Next thing I know, I woke up... I saw a sign that said Grand Canyon 30 Miles. We were in Arizona... I was all like "well, that makes sense..." Then I happened to glance up at the rear view mirror and saw in a fuzzy haze like 20 cop cars with lights a flashing!!! I was all like "What the fuck!?!" Just then the sound of the sirens started to kick in... I was terrified... But not really until I looked over at my sister and realized she had a Glock 40 on her lap, an AR-15 tactical assault rifle, with scopes and everything lodged in against the driver side door... Oh, and a sawed off shotgun between the seats... I was all like What the Fuck?

She tells me, and I quote, "You always said that if you were gonna off yourself, you'd jump off into the Grand Canyon." And I was like "Yeah... But I don't want to off myself!" She was all like "Deal with it, bro... I've got to set boundaries... I'm not going to deal with your bullshit anymore... We're going out together... Thelma and Louise style, bitch!!!

Just as we were headed over the cliff, a tiny little bird flew by us and looked me in the eye and said "You're not going out like this..." It was Teo riding Joey the bird... He threw a lasso around the car and guided us to safety... Now I'm home, safely, and all is well with the world... Peace and love to all! I have a second chance... And so does my sister...
Thelma And Louise Do It Down And Dirty

She Wants Me Drunk So She Can Control Me

The other day, I was at my niece's house... A house where I drank all the alcohol. I never got drunk, but they had a lot of booze; and I drank and I drank and I muthafuckin' drank! Till like most of the booze was gone. In my mind I'm thinking: "Well, if they're so against drunks, they shouldn't have so much booze in the house, so I took the initiative and drank a lot of it... Not all, I mind you, but a lot of it... Still never got drunk or made an ass out of my self (other than drinking all their booze... But we'll get back to that soon...)

So, long story longer, after drinking more of their booze than I was supposed to, everyone freaked out... Rev drank all the booze! You bastard!!! I had warned before that if I didn't have my beer to nurse on, I'd drink all the booze in the house... People don't take me at my word.

So, making a short story, longer... I told my niece, my sister's supposed daughter (hard to see the resemblance) that I didn't even need to drink while I was there visiting her... That's what I told her. Apparently, she took this as I wasn't allowed to drink there at all anymore, and I was banned from drinking a beer on her property for all time! I was never told this... I was never told that I was banned from drinking a beer on her property, ever. That wasn't ever mentioned. I thought I promised I'd never drink any of their booze again and said that I didn't even need to drink when I was there... This, without my vote, became law... That "Rev is not allowed to drink alcohol at all when he visits us..." Of course, that's an unreasonable expectation... Of course I'm going to drink something eventually...

But how does this relate to my sister, you ask? Of course, she's had it in for me since we were little kids... She came over and was all like, "Rev! You want a beer? A shot? Some heroin? Crank? I got it all!!! Do it! Do it now!!! You've got no willpower... You know you want it... Forget about your pledge not to drink... I got your back, bro..." That;s what she said... I was all like OMG! I don't want any of that... Get away from me! OMG!!! But she just kept pressing and pressing until I couldn't hold out anymore, and I drank that beer, and I took that shot... Over the course of six weeks, but it's her fault, all her fault that Misty caught us sharing a moment of brother-sister love and we got busted. F'n Sherri. I blame this all on you. :) If you weren't such a loving caring and understanding sister who knows me probably better than anyone else, we wouldn't be in this debacle! OMG! I fuckin' love you!!!